dear sarah silverman,

jesus is magic. and so are you.

i just got done watching a whole season's worth of your show, the sarah silverman program, and it kills me. in a good way.

you are mean and nasty in a really cute way. but what's great is that all you're doing is saying the stuff that most people think, but if we actually said this stuff out loud, we would be cast out of society.

also your neck is really long. you're like a jewish nefertiti. you would probably say, "nefer-titty" and giggle. that's why you are awesome. and you're obsessed with doodie.

i can totally see why jimmy kimmel left his wife for you.

zip tie haiku

1000 uses

cops employ them as handcuffs

very versatile

papa fudge beard

talk about awkward marketing! papa fudge beard? this is just one example of horrible yet really amusing ads that can be found in resort towns. i found this one in avon, nc in the outer banks.

who thought "papa fudge beard" would be endearing? besides the obvious gay and scatological references, is a fudgy beard appealing? doesn't sound it. and, his beard is white, not brown (maybe it's vanilla fudge)

here's some more ideas that might be just as effective:

1. captain brown eye

2. papa smurf beard

3. mr. fudgy pants

4. walk my fudgy plank

5. look at my poop brick

6. arrrrrrrrr! me fudge is mighty thick!

7. aye, it be brown gold!

8. shiver me fudgy timbers

9. show me your brown booty

10. it's fudgetastic!

burlington's gay prideless parade

i was in downtown burlington last saturday and happened to catch the annual gay pride parade. the first thing i noticed: an extreme lack of pride. it looked like people literally rolled out of bed, grabbed their street clothes, got a latte and shambled into line. it makes me ask, "where's the pride?" where's the pagentry? where's the fabulousness? i expect more from you, gay community. prescilla, queen of the desert, this was not.

a few folks got into the vibe and dressed up. some were haphazardly chanting rally-ish lines and laughing nervously. that was the other thing. is this a parade or a march? you should probably figure that out before you show up on the street. it's a parch! it's a marade!

i don't call myself gay, and i don't carry any ill will for gay people, that's illogical. but, i do know a crappy parade when i see one. as someone who has toiled over several 'a mardi gras float - it takes a little money and a lot of effort, but participating in a parade is fun - and important if your goal is to educate, inform and elevate. vermont gay pride parade, i'm just not sure what your goal was - it was pretty unclear.

you're here. you're queer. i'm over it already. all i want is a little pageantry.

dear michael jackson,

i miss you. we all miss you. the real m. j., not this whatever that's hiding in the middle east. you were so big. you could be big again. let's face it - it hasn't been really good since "bad." reinvent yourself. i'll help:

1. go to a tanning salon

2. grow the fro back

3. get a new producer (timbaland, rick rubin, somebody besides quincy jones for crissake!)

4. release a sex tape of you with a really hot woman (over 18, and yes, female)

5. relax. stop covering your face. your children's faces. stop calling your kid "blanket".

6. do some good. help some people. capture it on camera.

7. be real. open. honest.

8. release a new album that is actually good. get some kick-ass guest stars.

9. get drunk. punch somebody in the face. to prove you are a "man." you need some street cred.

it's not too late. "thriller" was, and still is the best pop album every created. you are not dead, although if you had died tragically after "bad" you may have been better off.

my vacation shopping list

it's been a while since my last post. i've been in the outer banks region for the last week or so. if you want to know what i was up to there, check out my shopping list. for those of you that can't read my crappy handwriting, here are the items on the list:

1. triple sec

2. margarita mix

3. tequila

4. dark rum

5. light rum

6. seltzer

that about sums it up. i still have sand in my crevices. or my crev-ass.

the outer banks are pretty much the best beach experience i've ever had. it's basically a big strip of beach with the ocean on one side, and a sound on the other. you can just about pull up anywhere, hop over a dune and you are on basically your own beach. we rented a house with family and we were a few hundred yards away from the beach. and there were only a few dozen people within either direction. that was the beauty of it. sand, drinks, spicy steamed shrimp.

mmmmmmmm.