flip flop

you look like an ass

it's october, you jerk off

put your toes away

oh, it's fall

october's best thing

it's not the foliage, dude.

horror dvds

monster squad!

slice of the 80s

fabulously un-p.c.

wolfman's got nards, dude!

christmas decorations are now on sale

what the hell is this?

next to the halloween isle

christmas in k-mart

catherine bell: jag-alicious!

do people not know?

you are still so smoking hot

bodacious ta-tas

the simpsons: extremely unfunny

what happened, homer?

written by short bus riders

i want conan back.

don't tase me, bro.

zap goes dumb whitey

some kind of brother, you've got

like cane and abel

on hold

it's been 10 minutes

the music is so soothing

anger subsiding

no cable

comcastic assholes

promised, but not delivered

no high speed for me.

work sux

capitalism

doesn't matter what you do

it totally blows

i ate tripe

anthony bourdain

he eats this stuff all the time

not so bad, really.

relaunch

one haiku a day

a commitment i can keep

you no like? piss off.

things that people like that i don't

1. high school musical

2. high school musical 2

3. pop country music

4. tyler perry

5. those little trendy purses that look like stuffed sausages with buckles all over them

6. desperate housewives

7. caring about britney, lindsay and paris

8. yellow ribbon car magnets

9. sports

dvd collector's wet dream

oh... my... god...

us nerds have been waiting.

and here it is:

the ultimate dvd release of blade runner.

just in time for christmas!

drool.

5 discs: theatrical version, international version, director's cut, final cut, and workprint!

here's the warner bros. press release

mommy, mommy, i know what i want for christmas!

dear police,

you guys still rock. hard!

after seeing you in montreal on july 26, it's hard to believe that i saw you in the flesh and that it wasn't some crazy fever dream.

stuart, it felt like i was watching a 20 year old you. but with 20 years more drumming experience. incredible.

andy, your guitar work was effortless and stellar.

sting, what can i say? really great, but "can't sing so, can't sing so, can't sing so... high anymore."
you also had this little smirk the whole time that said, "i'm sting" whereas andy and stuart just seemed like, well, people. regular people. without pretense. or giant egos.

that is to say that you guys are excellent. really excellent. mark this off as one more dream fulfilled.

what was perhaps the best part was all the years of experience and what those years have added. like really great, new versions of the classics you remember. stuart had a whole separate percussive setup with a gong. nice.

reunions might be a fad, but this is a fad i can deal with. a few years ago i caught the pixies on their reunion. also kicked a lot of ass.

here's the set list for the police show i saw:

Message in a Bottle
Synchronicity II
Walking On The Moon
Voices Inside My Head
When The World Is Running Down
Don't Stand So Close To Me
Driven To Tears
Truth Hits Everybody
Bed's Too Big Without You
Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic
Wrapped Around Your Finger
De Do Do Do De Da Da Da
Invisible Sun
Walking In Your Footsteps
Can't Stand Losing You
Roxanne
King Of Pain
So Lonely
Every Breath You Take
Next To You

dear sarah silverman,

jesus is magic. and so are you.

i just got done watching a whole season's worth of your show, the sarah silverman program, and it kills me. in a good way.

you are mean and nasty in a really cute way. but what's great is that all you're doing is saying the stuff that most people think, but if we actually said this stuff out loud, we would be cast out of society.

also your neck is really long. you're like a jewish nefertiti. you would probably say, "nefer-titty" and giggle. that's why you are awesome. and you're obsessed with doodie.

i can totally see why jimmy kimmel left his wife for you.

zip tie haiku

1000 uses

cops employ them as handcuffs

very versatile

papa fudge beard

talk about awkward marketing! papa fudge beard? this is just one example of horrible yet really amusing ads that can be found in resort towns. i found this one in avon, nc in the outer banks.

who thought "papa fudge beard" would be endearing? besides the obvious gay and scatological references, is a fudgy beard appealing? doesn't sound it. and, his beard is white, not brown (maybe it's vanilla fudge)

here's some more ideas that might be just as effective:

1. captain brown eye

2. papa smurf beard

3. mr. fudgy pants

4. walk my fudgy plank

5. look at my poop brick

6. arrrrrrrrr! me fudge is mighty thick!

7. aye, it be brown gold!

8. shiver me fudgy timbers

9. show me your brown booty

10. it's fudgetastic!

burlington's gay prideless parade

i was in downtown burlington last saturday and happened to catch the annual gay pride parade. the first thing i noticed: an extreme lack of pride. it looked like people literally rolled out of bed, grabbed their street clothes, got a latte and shambled into line. it makes me ask, "where's the pride?" where's the pagentry? where's the fabulousness? i expect more from you, gay community. prescilla, queen of the desert, this was not.

a few folks got into the vibe and dressed up. some were haphazardly chanting rally-ish lines and laughing nervously. that was the other thing. is this a parade or a march? you should probably figure that out before you show up on the street. it's a parch! it's a marade!

i don't call myself gay, and i don't carry any ill will for gay people, that's illogical. but, i do know a crappy parade when i see one. as someone who has toiled over several 'a mardi gras float - it takes a little money and a lot of effort, but participating in a parade is fun - and important if your goal is to educate, inform and elevate. vermont gay pride parade, i'm just not sure what your goal was - it was pretty unclear.

you're here. you're queer. i'm over it already. all i want is a little pageantry.

dear michael jackson,

i miss you. we all miss you. the real m. j., not this whatever that's hiding in the middle east. you were so big. you could be big again. let's face it - it hasn't been really good since "bad." reinvent yourself. i'll help:

1. go to a tanning salon

2. grow the fro back

3. get a new producer (timbaland, rick rubin, somebody besides quincy jones for crissake!)

4. release a sex tape of you with a really hot woman (over 18, and yes, female)

5. relax. stop covering your face. your children's faces. stop calling your kid "blanket".

6. do some good. help some people. capture it on camera.

7. be real. open. honest.

8. release a new album that is actually good. get some kick-ass guest stars.

9. get drunk. punch somebody in the face. to prove you are a "man." you need some street cred.

it's not too late. "thriller" was, and still is the best pop album every created. you are not dead, although if you had died tragically after "bad" you may have been better off.

my vacation shopping list

it's been a while since my last post. i've been in the outer banks region for the last week or so. if you want to know what i was up to there, check out my shopping list. for those of you that can't read my crappy handwriting, here are the items on the list:

1. triple sec

2. margarita mix

3. tequila

4. dark rum

5. light rum

6. seltzer

that about sums it up. i still have sand in my crevices. or my crev-ass.

the outer banks are pretty much the best beach experience i've ever had. it's basically a big strip of beach with the ocean on one side, and a sound on the other. you can just about pull up anywhere, hop over a dune and you are on basically your own beach. we rented a house with family and we were a few hundred yards away from the beach. and there were only a few dozen people within either direction. that was the beauty of it. sand, drinks, spicy steamed shrimp.

mmmmmmmm.

first look: fantasia 2007 lineup

i think this will be year 5 for me attending the fantasia film fest in montreal. i've had some really great experiences: meeting ray harryhausen, who presented jason and the argonauts, seeing directors and actors present their films like tim sullivan and paul naschy, seeing fun films like high tension, (someone in front of me had to leave to throw up!) izo, evil aliens, hell, (horrible thai movie) accion mutante (de la iglesia!!!!) bubba ho tep and soooo much more.

this year's festival opens July 5 and looks to be another great year! the new miike film (as always) tons of guests including fred vogel and jean rollin!!!!!!

here's the preliminary lineup on fangoria.com

don't know what i'll make it to this year, depends on when the films are and what my wife will stand for. ben? greg? erik? anyone else up for a few trips up north?

yet another great reason to move to canada

quite a few years ago on a trip to montreal, i discovered a beautiful thing. lay's smokey bacon chips. that's bacon fume en francais. apparently, the frito lay company has quite a different selection above the border.

you say, "another post about pork products????!!!!"

yup.

man, these were my favorite chips for a long time. authentic smokey flavor, great crunch - artificial and natural flavor! any time someone went north of the border, we would beg them - "get smokey bacon! get smokey bacon!" my friend bryan and i even went so far as to contact frito lay national (bryan made the call) and ask why we couldn't get the same wonderful snacky goodness as the rest of north america. they very politely said no. and that was it.

check out the lay's canadian website. you will see smokey bacon and ketchup flavor (both of which i have tried, they also have ketchup flavored doritos!) as well as several new flavors:

roast chicken!!!!!!

fries 'n gravy!!!!!!

spicy curry!!!!!!

chili garlic!!!!!!

i guess i'm goin' to canada!

the bridge

i saw this documentary on friday night called the bridge. for a year in 2004, filmmaker eric steel camped out at the golden gate bridge in san fran and documented with several telephoto lenses, people committing and attempting to commit suicide. i found this to be a compelling examination of the subject and quite disturbing. to me what was most disturbing was the shock of watching people die right before your eyes, and then becoming adjusted to it, almost numb. it may seem that this could be very exploitative, but the subject matter was not handled that way. it was very real and honest. the footage of jumpers or attempting jumpers was cut together with family and friends talking about the jumper. this film was banned from several festivals, although after seeing this, i'm not sure why. perhaps the subject was too taboo, i'm not sure. here's a great interview with the director. one of the best moments of the film was an interview with a still photographer who happened to be shooting on the bridge when a jumper came up next to him and stepped over the rail and onto the ledge. he continued to shoot pictures for a while, until realizing what the jumper was about to do. he eventually ended up grabbing the person off the ledge and lifting them back on to the road. he talked about how when looking through a camera lens you sometimes forget that what you are seeing is really happening, that you become detached from your subject. The film inter cut interview footage with actual long lens shots of this happening and the still photos that the guy took. this made for an utterly compelling viewing experience. you get to here the tale told and see it happen at the same time. if you like to be challenged, watch this film.

haiku, f. u.

boy george: the sad clown
i saw behind the music
unrequited love

the 9 dollar hot dog

let me start by saying that i love pork. nation of islam, i feel sorry for you. for me, pork is the ultimate meat - let me count the ways:

1. bacon

2. pork loin

3. ham steak

4. ham cold cuts

5. canadian bacon

6. pig roast

7. pulled pork

8. holiday ham

9. hawaiian pizza

10. pork chops

11. ribs!!!!! (you are right, jim, how could i forget???)

this leads me to the 9 dollar hot dog.

big fatty's on main street in burlington has this gastronomical giant on the menu. a couple of months ago, my family and i tried their ribs and chicken. fantastic. the best real barbecue i've ever had (not that i've had a ton, mind you)

take one foot long hot dog and bun. pile on a mountain of pulled pork, cole slaw and extra barbecue sauce, plus a nice cool switchback, and man, you are wanting for nothing. if i could improve on this idea at all, i would say using a corndog would be nice, or a bun made out of corn bread.

this thing must've weighed close to 5 pounds! regrettably, i couldn't finish it. i came close. my friend greg came much closer. anyway, if you love stupid ridiculous over-the-top food and pork, you will be into this.

mmmmmmmmm. pork.

lara logan, i feel for you

cbs chief foreign correspondent lara logan, you are the bomb. i can't get you out of my head. of the 5 celebrities on my "list," you are currently number one. you make me feel like one of those teenage girls you see on the footage of the beetles playing live, screaming and clawing at my face and crying, "please god, oh please." you look good. so good. even with a helmet on, covered in sand and dust. in fact, i think you look better that way. and you have a british accent. and you used to be a swimsuit model. and your reporting. your reporting. you are really good at that. which is pretty rare.

once i saw lara logan live. she had no makeup on (still looked amazing.) they went to a short, short package (less than a minute) and came back and she had full makeup on. wow. quick. and great.

anyway, lara logan. the only reason to watch corporate news.

greg said blog this

the images found here are what i hope, even a small section of heaven will be like when i die. or whatever you want to call it that happens when you leave this earth. good god. i want to crawl up in these pictures and live there forever. you see, i am obsessed with classic arcade games. these vintage photos just make me sooooo nostalgic. i grew up in vermont. we had our fare share of arcades, but nothing like this. i mean... currently we have funspot, but it doesn't have the sparkling sheen that this had. this is right up there with my dream to own flynn's arcade from tron. and live upstairs in a sweet studio pad. if you love tron, you know what i'm talkin' bout.

ahhhh, the 80s. lived it. loved it.

thanks, ben

i want to thank ben for recommending roman polanski's the fearless vampire killers. we watched it last night, and boy! was it great! I was expecting a culty, low budget 60's British romp, which I got. But I was also expecting something that was cheesy and unintentionally funny which this was not. It was genuinely funny and had great comic timing and a fun, jokey energy. and sharon tate. mmmmm. sharon tate. it sucks to think how she got murdered by those manson a-holes, 'cause she was so young and amazingly beautiful.

i really enjoyed the setting of vampire killers. the snowy landscape was an interesting take on the whole vampire story. it looked like they did a lot of day-for-night shooting, but they pulled it off quite well. the camera work was also quite masterful. it really felt ahead of it's time for sure.

a great double bill would be fearless vampire killers and young frankenstein. i would love that. so thanks, ben and keep those great recommendations coming!

a list of things that smell good to me

1. freshly cut grass

2. freshly showered woman

3. real pit barbecue

4. sharpie markers

5. brewing beer

6. brewing coffee

7. a brand new dvd amaray case

8. newly printed mimeographs - don't exist anymore :(

9. funspot in weirs, nh

10. burning fireworks

11. burning campfire

12. my wife's cooking

13. my dog, zeffer

14. vietnam restuarant

15. new sneakers

16. sunday paper

17. my farts

an open letter to vincent gallo

dear vincent,

i just wanted to say that i really enjoy you as a person. ever since i saw buffalo 66 in the theater, i knew that i dug your vibe.

seeing buffalo 66 and the brown bunny have had a profound effect on me and my life. they make me want to create and give me a reason to live.

you seem like a pretty wacky guy. some stuff i don't understand, like the whole conservative republican vibe.

how can someone who makes art say stuff like that? are you just simply being contrary? anway that's what makes you, you.

also things like giving roger ebert cancer, and selling your sperm on your website. and being a breakdancer. and a model.

anyway, i just wanted to say thanks for making a few great movies and being true to yourself, whatever that means.

i wait patiently for your next film.

r2d2 usps

awwwwww!

i love this idea! r2d2 mailbox! it's such a natural fit. the usps has been having a star wars 30th anniversary promotion for the past few months. you could win prizes and vote for your favorite stamp designs (which have been chosen and are now available!)

i wonder how this idea came down for the r2d2 box wrap. did rabid postal employee star wars fans notice the obvious similarities between their post box and r2?

or, did rabid star wars fans who love the post office get this going?

was it the brain child of george lucas? did he originally design r2 based on the mailbox? maybe the answer is out there...

okay, this has already been blogged a ton, but its just so fun and nerdy! i've only seen the one in burlington, wish there were more.

gawd! metallica rawks!!!

man, i totally forgot how much metallica rocks!

i recently starting listening to them again after re-watching the great great joe berlinger documentary, paradise lost: the child murders at robin hood hills. the whole soundtrack is metallica, circa the masters of puppets years.

i had forgotten how masterful that album was, and was reminded how much i loved them.

my youthful trip into metal music began i think in 6th grade when i got the beastie boy's album, liscence to ill, for my birthday. you say, that's not metal! but... it featured slayer guitarist kerry king. that, my friends, got the head bangin'!

from there, i got into classic rock, zeppelin, hendrix, etc. at that point i think one of my brother's friends in boy scouts (he's 2 years older) got me into metal, and more specifically, metallica. from the scary, in your face imagery of their album covers and t-shirts, to the ferocity and energy of hetfield's vocals, to the power and ripping melodies of hammett's guitar solos, i was hooked!

favorite album? toss up. i swing towards master of puppets, but ...and justice for all i really think was their high point.

ahhh... so many memories: listening to the garage days re-revisited tape that i bought at the mall while driving with my aunt, sporting my justice shirt and headphones all the way to d.c. in a boy scout bus, headbanging while raking leaves to master of puppets, school dances where the 4 metal heads (who actually went to dances) begged the dj to play metallica, then they would put on one and everyone would clear out while we waited for the fast parts to kick in then go nuts...

metallica and i parted ways at the black album. i remember it being cool that they were getting huge with enter sandman, but once hetfield took singing lessons... done.

just put on ...and justice for all. it will get you rocking. hard.

a new movie i'm excited about

i saw the trailer for fido a few weeks back on fangoria.com

this looks soooo awesome!

it's like pleasantville meets romero's day of the dead, starring carrie anne moss and tim blake nelson (both with three word names... coincidence or clever casting?)

check it out:

fido trailer

send a reverse postcard

i thought of a fun thing to do when your co-workers go on vacation - send 'em a postcard from the office! find out where they are staying, get the address and send a postcard just so they know "what they're missing."

for added impact, use really bland imagery on the front: take a picture of your cubicles, the front of your ugly office building, the person's empty desk, etc.

just something fun and silly. my co-worker sara is off this week, chilling out at home, so i'll be sending her a little something in the mail.

your boring job may cause cancer

i heard somewhere that if you have a job where you have to say the same words or phrases day in and day out, that you run the risk of getting throat cancer. i guess the theory is that repetitive use of the same section of your vocal chords will wear them out.

throat cancer's greatest hits:

"do you want fries with that?"

"does this package contain anything fragile, liquid, perishable or potentially hazardous?"

"good morning, (insert company name here) how may i direct your call?"

so choose your profession carefully. it may cause cancer.

my summer - the sequel

with the opening today of pirates of the caribbean 3, i feel like i'm living the same summer over and over and over... but it's not exactly the same: it's like someone photocopied my summer. it's not quite as good, the tones and colors aren't exact, the subtle shades aren't apparent. then, someone took that photocopy and photocopied it. magnifying all of the imperfections and murkiness.

pirates 3 , shrek 3, spiderman 3. enough! enough! enough!

okay, so i haven't seen any of these movies (no, not films, there is a difference) and will most likely see spiderman and that's it. (it's sam raimi, i'm obligated.)

why do people feel the need to go and see all these sequels? is it that we are so "short" on time in our lives that we can't stand the idea of "wasting" 2 hours on something that might not entertain? "well, the last 2 movies were good, so we have to go see the next one..."

you know what? i saw shrek (the first one.) that was enough.

come on.

if you keep going, they'll keep making this crap. look at shrek 3 - top grossing weekend blah blah blah. and the reviews are pretty horrible.

it's weird - a little indie film (yes, there is a difference between a film and movie) like little miss sunshine comes out last summer and makes $70 mil! how does that happen, and why doesn't hollywood pick up on that?

here's an idea. make a really good film for $5 mil. market the crap out of it for say $25 mil. that's a total of $30 mil. say you make $75 mil at the box office, that's $40 mil profit, before video! why do you need to spend $200 mil making a crappy movie? for the cost of one shrek 3, you could make 40 really good films. 40.

please make good films. stop hedging bets on crappy sequels.

and if you are going to make sequels, how about the breakfast club?

anyone else have ideas?

mmm... beets

man, there's something about beets! i know, i know, the inner child in you says yuuuukkkkk!!!!! beets! blech. but i've recently discovered that there's something so great and tasty about the humble, rooty beet.

when i was a kid, i think i had some bad experiences. either school lunches or my mom's bad vegetable serving practices. canned? no way. badbadbad. fresh from the ground, local if possible.

they are so sweet, and have a pleasant firmness, if cooked properly. i last had them with a roasted chicken - just chunk up potatoes, onions, carrots and some beets. throw in some olive oil, pepper, salt. slap a roasting chicken in there after slathering with butter. 375 in the oven? something like that.

anyway... really tasty.

another great recent beet experience: american flatbread, towards the end of last summer. in burlington, right across from the farmer's market in city hall park, american flatbread gets a lot of local and/or organic veggies from the market and throws them on top of the daily specials. well, one night they were offering a special with beets. i had to try beet pizza, i mean come on!

turns out, one of the tastiest pies i've ever eaten (their beer was the perfect compliment)

do yourself a favor. take another look at beets. chances are they don't taste the way you remember them. oh, and you can dye your hair with them. and other stuff.

why the title?

we are the terrorists. why? well... take a good look at this guy. our fearful leader. imagine that you live in iraq, you have brownish skin and have to worry that you will be ripped from your home and tortured for no reason. or that your house and loved ones could be destroyed at any moment.

why do people in american fear terrorism? do we even know what true terror is? would terror for us be to not be allowed to shop at wal-mart? or not having 2 cars? or a 3-car garage? or seeing shrek 3?

look at it from another perspective - the other side. our leader "gets his orders from god." how is that any different than a leader in the middle east? our leader is motivated by power and money. again, no difference.

how many thousands of people in the middle east have died at the hands of americans? - i wish i could say "died at the hands of white people," but u.s. soldiers are poor and the majority are not white (because rich white folks don't fight wars.)

why does the rest of the world hate us? we are greedy, fat, lazy and ignorant. the last time i went to montreal - even the homeless people i spoke to were bi-lingual... not me.

just a little perspective shift - to let you know where i'm coming from.